There’s a thing people say about all kinds of accidents, about “getting back on the horse.” Whether it’s a car accident or a fall from a bicycle or a ladder, the saying encourages us to go back soon. The word encourage is an apt one, because we are inviting ourselves to find our courage again. And courage is something we need in spades when starting or developing a therapy practice.

I can be bloody minded and stubborn. Sometimes it serves me, such as when it’s supporting me towards something that I really want. But in its dark side when it gets between me and what’s good for me, then not so much.

I’m Not Doing That Again!

When I was about 8, I had a bad fall from a pony. I can still remember landing on my back on the floor of the arena, completely winded. I don’t remember how my parents dealt with my fall. Probably, they were practical about it, checking me out for injuries, but not paying too much attention to my fright and my injured pride. Falls are part of learning to ride.

I refused to go back to riding lessons. The fall had really shaken my confidence. I had become painfully aware of my physical vulnerability in a way that I had never been before. 

This refusal became a pattern for me in my life. I have a bad experience, it affects me deeply, and I resolve at some deep level that I will not do that to myself again.

Biting off my nose…

Years later, I realised that my refusal was, to use a cliche, biting off my nose to spite my face, so I made a point of revisiting the various scenes of refusal and proving to myself I could have done it, if I wanted to. There was a deep sense of shame driving my actions. Shame that I had allowed my fears to deprive me of things that could have brought joy and interest to my life.

One of the things that I revisited was horse riding. There were lots of things I loved about it, the smell of the horse, the relationship we created, the sense of achievement I got from seeing my progress. But I didn’t enjoy the fear. For five years, every time I got up on the horse, I endured the terror that my 8-year-old self still felt. I proved to myself that I was bigger than my fears, but in truth, I was punishing my inner child for refusing to get up and try again all those years ago. I wouldn’t let myself leave, because to do so would have been giving up again, allowing it to defeat me.

Maybe you can relate?

Pushing through will take only us so far

When I went back to riding as an adult, I was able to use my determination to bracket my fear enough to do what I wanted to do, to overcome my resistance. However, I did it once too often. And there came a time when my inner child refused to allow me to bully her anymore. Like the 8-year-old who wouldn’t go back to riding horses, I found my resistance became so big that I could not overcome it. She was saying loud and clear, “You are not going to do this to me again. If you want something, you are going to have to get past me first.” I had to learn to negotiate, to find another way.

My point is, we ignore our resistance at our peril. Some resistance to growing is normal. It’s one of the ways we create safety for ourselves and protect ourselves from overreaching. I have yet to meet anyone who has experienced no resistance in the journey to establishing their therapy practice. But it can also get stuck. By pushing through my resistance with little or no regard for the child, I had lost her trust.

It has taken me years to rebuild trust with myself.

The Third Way

Like a child who is acting out, resistance will make life very difficult for us if we refuse to acknowledge it or try to bully it into submission. Equally, if we allow our resistance to rule our life, we may never get our practice off the ground. We must find a third way, that supports us in our fear, and that brings the inner child along with us.

Is your resistance getting in the way of your therapy practice? Is the fear of putting yourself out there preventing you? Or do you find yourself being a bully to your own inner child who’s just trying to keep you safe? Maybe I can help. Contact me here.

If you’re starting or developing your therapy practice and experiencing some resistance, perhaps the support of others in the same boat might help you? Check out my new group starting January 2021 on Therapy Academy.