Why Did the Therapist Cross the Road?


Some time ago there was a post doing the rounds on Facebook that read “I look forward to a time when a chicken can cross the road without having its motives questioned.”chicken

Some months ago, a long term client left unexpectedly. I was shocked and saddened. We had had a good relationship (I thought.) Despite asking the client for their reasons, and being told them, I had a nagging feeling that something didn’t add up. I puzzled and wondered about it, and talked to my supervisor, ultimately coming to a place of reluctant resignation. I put it out of my mind and moved on, but not before constructing several stories about why it had occurred, what I’d done wrong, what I could have done or said differently and so on. It happens. It may have happened to you.

A couple of weeks ago, I met my former client unexpectedly in circumstances which cast a new light on their sudden departure. I felt an easing of tension I didn’t know I had been holding. At some level I had been blaming myself for what happened. Seeing my client in these new circumstances, I realised that there was information about the situation which my client had not shared with me, which of course they were perfectly entitled not to do. But in the absence of that information, I had convinced myself that they had left because of something I had done or said.

We are trained in therapy and counselling school to question ourselves. We are taught that the mind works in mysterious ways, and can play tricks to avoid us feeling pain. We learn to interrupt the client’s momentum, to help them reflect on their own process, and to do this for ourselves as well. Defences are normal and healthy, but in therapy school we are taught always to hold the question about what might be going on underneath the surface. And with good reason, it is a core part of our work to support the client in exploring what they may be defending against. In the long term, it helps us to build a more authentic self, a stronger inner core, a secure base.

I have been wondering recently though, whether some of what we learn in order to become therapists does not serve us in other areas of our lives. Perhaps we need to unlearn or at least press the pause button on questioning ourselves and interrupting our own momentum when it comes to running our practice.

questionUncertainty and doubt can leave practitioners cautious about taking action, especially trying something new or a bit risky. Who knows what we might uncover? If we have been prone to concern about what other people may think, questioning ourselves can undermine our ability to act effectively. Focusing on the views of others, (or what we imagine to be the views of others) can leave us trying to sift through conflicting arguments that will never be resolved. Fears that our actions may evoke a negative reaction from existing or potential clients, from colleagues, family or friends can keep us stuck in unproductive places, for fear of being excluded from the “clan,” or disapproved of in some way.

The questions “Why is this happening to me?” and “What am I doing wrong?” are particularly sticky ones, that can paralyse the asker for ages while they try to work out “The” answer. The belief, I think, is that if they knew the answer to the question, they’d be able to take the appropriate action. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. The questioning can erode our self-confidence and our inner knowing to the extent that we can be afraid to take any action because we don’t trust our own motivation.

So, what to do?

This is where the structure of having a goal or intention, and a plan about how we’re going to get there can really help. If we can stay focused on a simple goal, and focus our attention not on why we can’t get there, but on how we can, that focus can help to steer us through some of the self-doubt.

Doing things in tandem with others, or with the support of trusted colleagues or professionals (such as your supervisor), can also be a huge asset. Alone we can be overwhelmed when things don’t go the way we wanted them to, and having suffered a set back, we can consciously or unconsciously vow never to try THAT again!

With a clear objective, support and encouragement, we can go a long way further.

If you need support to help you steer through some of your own self-doubt about your practice, or to clarify your intention and your action plan, maybe I can help you. Email me here to avail of your free 20 minute consultation or to arrange an appointment.