Finding Your Voice


My good friend and EFT practitioner, Barbara E Belmont has been blogging recently about fears of various aspects of finding your voice, speaking up and speaking out. (You can read her blog at http://www.barbaraebelmont.com/blog/)

As I read what she has to say, I‘m wondering what is it about putting ourselves out there, in whatever way, that brings up such fear and anxiety. Whenever I speak to practitioners, I hear their concerns about aspects of growing and developing their practices, and their fears closely resemble everything that Barbara has been talking about, even though the context in which she writes is very different from your average therapy practice.

I think most people can relate to these fears at some level. It is a rare person indeed who is able to act totally without reference to how their actions will be seen and interpreted by those around them.

My supervisor reminded me recently of Carl Rogers’ work on the Locus of Evaluation. I’d studied it during training, but had forgotten how powerful his insights were. Roger’s view was that many of us received so much instruction, direction and criticism growing up that as adults we find it hard to have a view about ourselves that doesn’t depend on an external standard.

The use of such words as “should,” “always,” “never,” “can’t,” “right,” “wrong” and similar, have left us in a tangle of feedback which at best is impossible to decipher, and at worst, is crazy making. As the old saying goes, you just can’t please all of the people all of the time. Of course, while everyone knows this intellectually, it’s another thing to disentangle ourselves sufficiently, in order to find some space for our own thoughts and feelings, independent of the opinions of others.

Anthony Storr, in his book The Art of Psychotherapy[1], suggests that putting the feelings of others before our own is a common characteristic of the psychotherapist. He discusses at some length the personality of the psychotherapist, hypothesising the reasons why this might be so. While stating that the ideal psychotherapist would be “predominantly non-assertive, but capable of quietly maintaining their own position,” he also says, “If a therapist is constantly oriented toward understanding others rather than toward expressing his own views, those views may never be explicitly or firmly formulated.” But then, it was written thirty years ago, and neither the internet nor blogging were around at that time, so maybe things have changed!

I like to think that whatever background we have come from it is possible to find a way to give voice to our own view and our own experience. While we might not express ourselves fully while sitting with a client, being aware of our reactions and responses is an important part of our work.

I found a way many years ago through the work of Julia Cameron (The Artist’s Way) and her Morning Pages, which allowed me space to explore safely what my own point of view was, and I will always be grateful to both Julia and to Kevin O’Kelly who introduced me to her work. Other means of finding our voice include meditation, dance, poetry, and spirituality.

What helps you to find yours? Leave a comment below telling us what works for you.

If you’d like to continue this discussion, or to talk about any aspect of your therapy practice, please contact me here to arrange your free twenty minute consultation.


[1] 1981, Secker & Warburg and William Heinemann Medical Books