Without fail, whenever I talk to therapists about issues they have with running their practices, they will say, “I just don’t understand why I find it so hard. I know I do good work. I sit in front of my clients and I know I can help them. So why is it so hard for me to put myself out there?” And often too, they’ll add, “What is wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I do this?”

Many of us find it easier to motivate ourselves on behalf of others than on our own behalf. We find it easier to be positive and confident about our clients’ abilities and potential than about our own. We find it easier to see solutions to the problems of others than we do to our own.

There’s nothing wrong with us. It’s not some major flaw or block that needs fixing, it’s just that we are so engaged in the detail of our own lives, that we can’t see the wood for the trees. We have rehearsed the problems, the reasons, the difficulties so many times, that at some level we believe we can never get past them! We are often attached to our stories about ourselves to the extent that we believe that they are all we are.

For example, when I started to write about these subjects, my initial enthusiasm was strong, I was eager to share my thoughts, I could see that others might benefit from what I had to say, and I enjoyed saying it. I could see the future and it was good. But then, slowly, I let the demons in! The hurt and disappointment that others weren’t as eager as me. The harsh comment by someone who pointed out a mistake I’d made. The day when several people unsubscribed from my mailing list at the same time. The less than positive feedback from someone I respect. Each a small thing on its own, but like a dripping tap onto a stone, slowly eroding my fragile self-confidence. The well-worn default place of “I’m not good enough” asserted itself again.

And then, a colleague rang me to say how much she enjoyed what I was doing, and encouraged me to continue…and the pendulum started to swing upwards again.

Often, we can demand of ourselves that we should be impervious to the knocks that life can give us, or that we should no longer care what others think or say about us. And even though we might assure others that our feelings are a temporary phenomenon, we don’t really believe it for ourselves. It is at these times that we need to have some compassion for ourselves, as we would for our clients, or for our loved ones.

We need to remind ourselves that one tree doesn’t make a forest; that just because one attempt hasn’t yielded the results we wanted, that the whole venture is NOT a waste of time, that we were NOT wrong ever to hope. It takes time to build a practice. It takes time to learn the skills, to unlearn old habits and beliefs, to get ourselves known, and to get to know who we are as a therapist. It takes time, and it takes patience, and it takes trial and error. A little kindness to ourselves goes a long way to soothing the hurts and disappointments we inevitably encounter.

Think of a small child who is trying to learn to ride her bike. What would you say when she falls off? “You should know better?” “What is your problem?”

No, you’d probably say something like, “It’s okay, sweetie. It hurts now, but your knee will feel better in the morning and we’ll try again then. You’ll get there!”

So when you’re building your practice, when those little bumps and blips seem like mountains and roadblocks, remember to be kind to yourself. You’ll get there!

If you’re struggling to create the practice you’d like, I’d love to help you. Contact me to make an appointment or to avail of your free 20 minute consultation.