Are the Therapist and Client a Good Match?


I have written before on the subject of client and therapist needing to be a good match. (See here) There can be a tendency when first starting out in practice to take any client that comes along, out of fear that there will be no more. That is understandable, but may be a mistake. Some clients are just not a good fit for us.

While seeing a new client for the first time, I was aware of a strong, sharp pain in my stomach. After the session, the pain lingered, and it took me a couple of days to shake it off. I knew it was a tension pain. I could feel the stress elsewhere in my body, and a sense of being disconnected.

During the second session, the same thing happened. I told the client that I was aware of discomfort in my stomach as he spoke, and sure enough, it mirrored something that was happening for him.

Shortly before our third session, the client rang to cancel, and when I probed a little for the reasons, the client said he was not going to continue. I tried to persuade him, and then stopped myself. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that I wouldn’t have to endure that pain again.

It really was very strange, I thought, that I had been working to retain a client with whom I had had such a physical reaction. Stranger still was a sense of lack in me, that I had to hold onto him at all costs, as if there would never be another client. Ironically, I’m very busy just now, so it’s not that I need the money, and I have a good stream of client referrals so there was no fear that I would have no work to do. I was reminded of a colleague speaking recently about “heroism” among therapists, and feeling we had to be a certain way.

1293055Reflecting afterwards, I realised that I really didn’t want to work with this client, not because I disliked him, or was unable or unwilling to help him. I didn’t want to work with him because the energy between us caused me great physical pain. And I can’t see any situation in which sitting with a client that has such an effect on me can be good for either of us. It certainly got in the way of me being fully present to him.

The rub was that I felt really guilty that I didn’t want to work with him, and ashamed of my reluctance and guilt. So I covered it up by working really hard to hold onto him, even when he wanted to leave.

There is a difference between a client who stretches us and a situation which takes us so far out of our range that we lose connection to ourselves. In this case, it was the latter.

I was not a good fit for this client, and I’m glad he realised it, even if I didn’t at first. My wish for him is that he finds someone who is better suited to him.

My wish for myself is that next time, I’ll be a bit more aware of listening to my body.

Ahh, it’s good to be wise in hindsight. If you’re struggling to get enough clients to pay the bills or to have the life you’d like, perhaps I can help. Contact me here to make an appointment or browse my services to see how I can help.

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